Sir, A Word...: An Open Letter To Robin Thicke

Wesley's Face = My Feelings on Robin

The following is an open letter to my babydaddy, Robin Thicke, regarding that Grade A Bullshit he participated in last night during the VMAs.  

Yes, I'm pretty sure he'll never read it. 
Yes, I'm sure he gives -43 damns about it. 
Yes, I am still writing it. 
And yes, you will read it & get your life. 

Shall we begin? *clears throat*

Robin, Robin, Robin….

Like…where do I begin with you?
You are in timeout – let’s start there.

I wish I could summon Ike Turner from his grave JUST so he could give you a backhanded pimp slap with the power of 1,000 undocumented domestic abuse claims right across your beautiful face.

I wish Kanyetta Kardashian had interrupted that shit and NOT let you and that heffa finish.

I wish the lights had gone out Beyonce Superbowl-style.

I didn’t have time to watch anything past Gaga’s performance live so by the time I got home, my FB and Twitter feeds blew up.  All I saw was your name, Miley’s name, and a trail of assorted OMGs and WTFs.  That’s all Mama needed to know you chose Stunt Queen Antics over a performance that could have been epic.  You had all the elements in place: two hot rappers, REAL dancing girls with REAL asses and lots of lights.  Then you chose to take off your pants, crouch over and shit on it all by adding that hillbilly bitch to the mix.  I felt like Trey after Ricky got shot.

Why for, man?  I’m so mad at you. HEATED!

Well, I WAS heated but I slept on it and spoke to MY God about it.  (My God = Whitney Houston’s ghost.  #RIP - #NeverForget)  I gained insight to that debauchery.  I know exactly why you did it.  Allow me to tally the ratchet reasons up as to why you did what you did:

1) You were told that you would walk away with zero major Moonmen before the show started.  The good people at award shows will let stars know well in advance what the deal is.  

2) It was Justin Timberlake’s night.  I know – I don’t really dig him like that, either, but I will let him cook because he’s earned the right to do so. (...you still rule all...)

3) Although your career spans almost 20 years, this is the first time you were famous.  I mean, Black folks BEEN on, but now…you are what Chris Rock coins as White People Famous.  Mainstream fame is easy to get and hard to maintain.  The crazy success of Blurred Lines ain’t happenin’ again and well, you had to do SOMETHING to make the night memorable.

And, my love, you did.  Oh my.  You did THAT. 

The first step to realizing you have a problem is saying it out loud: Say this with me -  

I allowed Hannah Montana to rub my no-no place with a foam finger.

I allowed Hannah Montana to grind her flat ass on me on basic cable.

Rihanna - who would hump a tree for Instagram likes - was thoroughly disgusted by me.

Now see? Don't you feel dirty? Please tell me you see the error in your ways. 

I don’t even blame Miley directly (although she needs a Big Mama ass whippin', too.).  If I was 21, rich, muddled with daddy issues and completely devoid of class, I’d be acting a zip-dang fool with a married man onstage mere feet from his wife, too. 

But you, sir – this is not a cute look for you. AT ALL.

Except for a few extreme fuckery enthusiasts who live for shit like this, no one is impressed.  Like – NO ONE! President Obama will call you a jackass before the weekend, this I am certain of.

The biggest disappointment for me was that you felt like you had to resort to hoodrat things in order to maintain the fame.  After years in the music industry making solid music for yourself and other artists I adore like Brandy and Christina Aguilera, you sold yourself for chicken change on that stage and I am in my feelings about that.  I feel like Pink rolling around on that dirty mattress in her video.  Give me one good reason/Just a little bit's enough... SANG IT, ALECIA!

I hope this isn't the beginning of the end of my Stanship for you because I've been riding for you since the FIRST album.  I really hope you got it out of your system - occasional stunts and shows are fine as a celeb, but last night can NEVER happen again.  The only other person you could have had onstage that would have made me walk into traffic is Onika Maraj and I already GAVE you a pass with that Shakin' It For Daddy song you made with her on 2009's Sex Therapy album.

So really, this is Strike Two.  Lemme find out you plan to do a duet with J. Lo....

In conclu, do better, Robin.  Do fucking better.
Yours In Christ, Kels.

(And P.S. You are STILL finer than baby hair & I'mma still hold you down...but you are on punishment.  I'll be on sabbatical with Lance Gross.  *blows kisses*)