The Shit I Don't Like (But Secretly Enjoy): Top 5 Annoying Facebook Personalities

Facebook is a lovely place - I should know because more often than not, you can catch me in these FB streetz daily doing all types of stuff... 

Reading random statuses about how shitty Mondays are.

Looking at baby pictures of Kayla's lessers.

Stalking ex-boyfriends' profiles to further confirm I'm the best thing that ever happened to them.

However, every once in a while, my Feed is infiltrated by tomfoolery.  The statements the word 'DUH' is made of.  Some posts make me wonder aloud why I let these people lease space on my Wall. Then I remember why...

Their innate dumbassness tickles my funnybone ever so much!

*raises hand* But who would I point & laugh at?

It's a mental quandary many of us face on social media: I know reading your posts will make my IQ drop 30.5 points, so why do I still give you virtual oxygen?  Am I really that hard up for an ego boost?  Is laughing at your mental inadequacies really that high I need in life?

The answer is an emphatic hell yes.

Yesterday, I asked my FB Family to share with me those folks that make them SMH & LOL simultaneously with their foolishness.  I got some good ones:

"Unchristian christians..bitch you brought me two bags of loud twenty minutes ago (and) now Jesus is your light." (Honey, yes! Get your heathenous ass to and gether.)

"The bragger. It's kool to pop ya collar every now and then but c'mon." (Exactly.  One that is truly winning doesn't have to shout it from the FB rooftops.)

"When someone overshares their heath issues. I don't want to know about, or more importantly SEE your infected toe." (*vomits in hat* Such nastiness!)

In turn, I came up with a list of Top 5 FB personalities that make me question why I learned to read in the first place.

CAUTION: If any of these personalities reflect you & we are FBF, don't be in your feelings & stuff.  Mama loves you. Besides, I'm keeping you on for mutually beneficial reasons: You get to feel good about your keystrokes & I get to laugh at them.  We both win. If you aren't any of these people & can relate, read along and fight that air with me:

1) The Revolutionary

When Jay-Z & Beyonce started bumping body parts and a light-skinnded Brotha got elected to the White House, I never imagined it would lead posts on posts on posts about how these three people are the equivalent of Hitler's bastard children.  The Revolutionary will have you believing that Bey's yaki is here to hypnotize you with every hair whip and that Barack is tiptoeing in your house at night cutting off your free cable.  I like a little speculation with my tea and my mind is free but the Revolutionary takes it to another level.  The worst is when they post those low-budget YouTube videos of what you SHOULD be focusing on in life.

"Fuck your statuses about your kids, your job, or what you thought of the manmeat in Magic Mike - watch this chopped & screwed clip of George W. Bush saying something stupid & let twist it into something intellectually shady together..." O_o Girl.

If Malcolm X & MLK had Facebook in heaven, they would 'Like' the Revolutionary's posts and then comment, "I marched, boycotted, was thrown in jail, got spat on by racist rednecks, bit by police dogs and then got murked for civil change.  What the hell are YOU going to do because this FB protesting ain't it. LOL".

2) The Momzilla 

Being someone's mother is hard enough without having to deal with some funky bitch who thinks her parenting skills shit on yours.  The Momzilla is the epitome of why we don't have a female president yet.  This is the mom that throws you virtual side eyes when you post a stat about your 6-year-old loving Family Guy or you feel bad because you missed a child's event because of a late work meeting. She loves to post statuses like:

"My little Andy just finished Grapes of Wrath for the fifth time, cooked us all dinner and discovered the cure for AIDS.  See what happens when you turn the TV off - mommies, take note!" (-___-)

O RLY?!?! Well, my kid just told me that LMFAO was the best music group ever & ate the last of my Hershey's Special Dark, so....yeah. =/ Cunt.

3) The Ebonics Whisperer 

If U tipe lyk dis n u r ovah tha age uv 18, git yo muhfukin lyf n ordah!

Where has the education system gone left when a person who pays taxes types like a stroke victim talks?  I refuse the Ebonics Whisperer like Fantasia refuses single men.  Like Ciara refuses success in music.  Like Kim K. refuses White peen.  That said, the best advantage of having these poor unfortunate souls on your Wall destroying the English language is showing a person over the age of 50 this grammatical fuckery.  My mother once read aloud the About Me profile of a mutual friend we have & I damn near pissed myself as she tried to read it back.  She's a teacher so she was EXTRA frustrated! Ah....good times.

4) The Cousin

Yes, your ghetto ass Cousin.  Everyone has at least one in their Feed, regardless of race.  Whether they live in the PJs or the trailer park, The Cousin always posts something that makes you question the civil rights movement.  One of my FBF's posted a picture album entitled "K-Mart Swag".  This person and their equally uncultured friends were posing in club clothes outside of the K-Mart exit.  I bullshit you not one iota.  They also live for statuses like this:

"my babydaddy aint shyt that nigga know he owe me sum money so if u see Terius out at the club, let that nigga know I got boys comin' for him!!!" (Ch...She mad.)

This is not something you should be posting on FB, straight up.  Let that fool come up dead & that's your ass.  But you cain't tell The Cousin shit.  Hood life has their mindset thinking that this is proper behavior...so just laugh & comment on the status so you can get further updates on how this all pans out.

5) The Dysfunctionator
Every. Single. Status. Update. Depresses. My. Eyeballs.

If your relationship sucks that bad, disconnect yourself from the peen & find a fuck 'em dress.  I understand the occasional ho-hum to get it out & receive some virtual hugs from the FB Fam, but it starts to get hilarious when every status you post would make DMX cry.  When I can't tell the difference between your stats and a Sex & The City Season Three script, we have a problem:

9am: "I love my baby SO much! MUAH!"

Noon: "Why are you doing this to me????!!?  I loved-ded you!"

2pm: *posts Someone Like You video*4pm: "Thanks for the call, baby.  I love you again!"

Like, no.  Rethink your lifespace without Facebook in it.  Your quality of life is making my Wall shed thug tears. Stop.

That's my five - if you ever come in contact with these types, think twice before you delete or hide them.  They actually bring a well-roundedness to your social media experience.  Also, save print screens.  It will give you something to laugh at in your spare time.  I have a folder chock full of print screens and it brings me ratchet delight!

Nippy.

Yesterday, I was in Wal-Mart with my family, searching for the cheapest 12-pack of toilet paper I could find when my phone started blowing the fuck up.  Texts, VMs, FB alerts - it was like my iPhone had the vibrating motor of a Rabbit.  As I held the industrial size pack of Angel Soft in one arm & dug through my purse for my phone with the other (I swear, Hoffa's body is probably at the bottom of my Tod's hobo bag!), I still couldn't find it so I kept moving.  Two hungry kids and a husband who hates germs = Kellee, get your ass in gear!

Once I got the cart parked in the school supplies section, I found my phone and saw the first of about 25 text messages: "Is it true about Whitney?  Is she really dead?".  My initial thought was, "Whatevs.  They just killed off Eddie Murphy last week & he's still around making bad movies. Pssh!".  But then I remembered it was Grammy weekend - Whit's whereabouts would be too well known for this to be a rumor.  I feverishly Googled "Whitney" and there it was...AP confirmed.

It took everything in me to hold back the tears & haul ass out of there with my list completed.  On the way home, I cried silently into a spitrag (fuck you, I'm a mom).  I went home, avoided all the news channels, cracked open a beer & put on the movie Take Me Home Tonight...and what was the first thing the 80s-inspired flick showed - immediately after the opening credits?  A poster of Whitney Houston.  AWESOME!!! (except not so much...)

All evening, I thought about all of my Whitney-influenced memories (and there's a shit ton of them).  The one that stood out was my first Whitney memory...

It was 1985 & I had just come home from another wicked day in first grade.  I wasn't that crazy about school - between the dreadful uniform and equally dreadful people, it was all I could do to jump out of my Grandma's Nova & get to her living room TV.  My mom & uncle got my grandparents cable for their anniversary but they never watched it.  If it wasn't Oprah, The Cubs or Charles Bronson, they weren't  much interested.   Since I had a few hours before he got home from work, I plopped myself in front of the TV with my homework, turned on MTV and I see Kurt Loder interviewing this woman with AWL this hair.  I mean, I thought it was Diana Ross at first...it was a lot of fucking hair!  The name "Whitney Houston" appeared under the screen and I thought she was some type of beauty queen.  I shrugged & started the grueling task of double-digit addition.  After a few minutes, I heard The Voice that would change me forever...

"...A feeeeew stolen moments/Is alllll that we shaaaare..."

That was pretty much the end of the game for me - I was mesmerized,  Before Whitney came along, I was all about Michael Jackson, Madonna & Cyndi Lauper.  That's it. Imagine my black ass, running around with the rainbow feathers from my grandfather's car air freshener in my hair singing 'She Bop".  Yes, a rarity on the South Side of Chicago, I know. I liked Tina Turner, Aretha Franklin & Diana Ross - but they were old ladies to me. Whitney was young & pretty - she looked like my mom, who I thought was the prettiest woman on Earth.  I had pop-bottle glasses and was missing at least 7 teeth.  Not so cute.  Whitney showed me glamour that I thought was attainable.  

I decided - right then & there - I was going to teach myself to sing like Whitney Houston.  Mind you, I had never sang a lick in my life but I was driven.  If I couldn't look like Whitney, I was going to sing like her.  My mom bought me her first two albums & I imitated exactly what I heard.  I recorded the albums onto a tape to take with me to my grandma's house so I could use her piano to play the notes I couldn't hit by ear.  I spent every weekend over the next few years perfecting all the intricacies of a Nippy performance:

• How she tapped the mic with her two middle fingers to keep time
• How she flourished the mic away from her to catch a long run
• How she quivered her chin when she hit the high C

Over the years, Whitney's addictions and fuckery-laden antics become more of the focus than the legendary talent she encompassed.  I'll admit, I've chuckled at my girl a few thousand times.  Hell, I have Being Bobby Brown on DVD.  However, I would be remiss if I didn't admit my full-fledged Stanship for her.  I would have never thought about singing if it wasn't for Whitney.  Embracing my voice boosted my self-esteem to the high levels you know of it today. :)  

I wish things could have ended differently for her.  (Allegedly) falling asleep & drowning in a bathtub after popping a few Xanax is NOT the business. I especially wish her daughter well - she is going through some Liza Minnelli shit right now that I don't wish on anyone.  If you recall your Diva History, Liza's mother Judy Garland was on a verge of a comeback (much like Whitney) and it ended tragically with her dead in a bathroom (just like Whitney).  Even though Liza is still in the building, she was certainly worse for the wear after her mother's death.  Cissy Houston has to bury her child - no one should have to go through that.

As for her Number One Fan (me!), I'll be OK.  Her music is embedded in me forever.  I know every Whitney song (the hits & the unreleased) by heart.  She is still The Queen of all Divas (except Aretha...because we Divas are required to say that.  Ask Beyonce.).  I don't regret turning on the TV that spring day back in '85.  If not, I'd probably still be trying to be Madonna and well, that's just no good for a Black chick.

Whitney is still the ultimate to me.  No one can hold a candle to her.  I raise a virtual Big Gulp Martini to her.  Here's to hoping she finds the peace she wasn't able to have on Earth.  I wish she was still here but it bees like that sometimes, I guess.  I could be trite & end this with my fave YouTube clip of one of her stellar performances, but I really can't bring myself to listen to the music right now.  I'm not sure I'll watch the Grammys tonight.  For now, I'll just hold on to that memory of my six-year-old self, discovering The Voice for the first time...