The Thirst

NOTE: Names & dates have been changed to protect the stupid, but trust - TRUST - that the fuckery-laden stories you are about to read are actual & factual.

I love Facebook - that's more than evident if you follow me. That said...Facebook ain't shit. Neither is Tha Twittuh.  This is mainly because the tools have become a beacon for The Thirst.  What's The Thirst, you ask?

The Thirst: (thûrst) n. The shameless emotional/sexual/fictional attachment to someone 100% unattainable.

It's become a frightening epidemic within social media, especially on Facebook.  Now, it's one thing if you are open to that type of reconnection. For me #doe, I haven't thought about you in years and one look at my profile should show you that I'm clearly off the market. Nonetheless, you gon' try it, huh? (-__-)  So sad, but I always have time for a healthy roasting session.

I've had a few online encounters of The Thirst, dating back to my Black Planet days in college.  BP was THEE watering hole for thirsty Negroes & Negresses, remember???  I think I may have caught a virtual STD fuckin' with BP. When I was a sophomore in college, a dude that once dated one of my best friends in high school tried to cybersex me in a public chatroom.  It was something like this:

Me: Hey Mike! Long time, no hear -  how you be?

Mike: What color are your panties, gurl?

Me: Um...so...*logs off & destroys BP profile*

Word??  You used to slob my best friend down in a Jeep Cherokee every weekend now you on this?  Honey...

Then we have MySpace.  *sigh* When you weren't dodging profiles of "professional musicians" and "aspiring models", you had that raggedy-ass Comments feed to deal with.  By this time, I was shacked up & damn near married.  Still, dudes were SO out of pocket on my shit:

"aye kelly (Ed. Note: mispelling my name & e'erthang...)...when you getin back to the chi? I need to see dem tittays"

Again - IN PUBLIC! Lawd, so yeah - I'm 0 for 2 out this bitch at this juncture in my life. Tragic.  

Then came Facebook.  It was pretty tame for a while - of course, you have the occasional ex who keeps it PG and acknowledges that you have a man.  That's cool -  we can rap a taste.  But then - it happened.  The Thirst found me in a way I had never expected...

So there I was at work, minding my own (and 521 FB friends') business when I see a familiar face in the People You May Know section.  Jason was a guy I had a very brief relationship with during one of my summers off from college.  And by "relationship", I mean we boinked like rabbits for three hot months until I went back to school & forgot all about him. We ended things as hot summer flings tend to end - with a big ol' Kanye Shrug in September.  Besides, I was in college & he was unemployed with a kid & working on his rap career.  Obviously, he wasn't going to be an integral part of my E! True Hollywood Story, so whatevs. I sent Jason a Friend Request, he accepted, sent me an inbox message of the usual "How you doing?" variety & that was that.

Jump to a month later - I get an inbox message from Jason stating the following (the following excerpts are all from actual emails):

"Hey Kel.  I was thinkn bout you the other day.  U taught me A LOT bout women.  we used to get down like whaaaaat!! When you comin back in town, get at me 708-XXX-XXXX"

Now see?? Why did you go & fuck up a perfectly passive online friendship? So my response:

"Jason - come on, now! LOL! You already know that's not even about to happen, but I appreciate the sentiment.  Be good."

*nods head* I think I handled that pretty well, amIright? But you know this isn't the end.  The Thirst never sleeps:

"LOLOLOL -  i feel you, tho. I was just up writing soem lyrics (Ed. note: Yes, a decade later, this nigga STILL tryin' to be a rapper...) & U popped in my mind. it's all good..."

But it's never all good with The Thirst.  Fast forward two months later:

"Yo, when U comin to chicago? I'm tryin to see U"

Ever the cordial cunt, I respond:

"My husband, son & I are coming up for my little brother's basketball game next week.  What's up??"

Jason's in need of a beverage at this point:

"Man, LOL! You ain't hav to say alla that.  I got the message the last time.  Ain't no body sweatin' you! LOL! You crazy!"

Clearly, a nerve has been touched...but y'all already know that's all I needed:

"LOL! Why so serious?  I think you might be sweating me just a little...and I totally get that 'cause I'm me.  However, know that you & I won't have one-on-one time together, like, ever."

Oh boy.  Right after I sent that response, I knew all hell was about to break loose.  But this...THIS RIGHT HERE...

"Lissen bitch, don't be emalin' my man and shit.  He is vury happy with us & he told me about you tryin to see him.  U ain't slick, hoe."

Wow. Really?

Yes - The Thirst has a sibling: The Salt.  His BM emailed me this nonsense.  Now did I snatch her bald for calling me out of my name?  Nope.  Bitch, Hoe, SlutBucket Broad - these are not terms unfamiliar to me.  What I did do was forward her every single email he sent me, as well as posted them on his Wall for the public to see.  Shortly thereafter, Jason excommunicated me from his Facebook life. That was for the best, I suppose.  Although, I did miss out on a prime opportunity to roast them both simultaneously.  It is a specialty of mine. 

I still have visits from various formations of The Thirst occasionally.  It's something I've learned to manage responsibly, like herpes simplex 10.  If only they made a Valtrex for it...

What A Highblower!: The Christmas Edition - Part One

NOTE: I forgot to mention in my previous post about my stance on religion.  Yeah, I don't have one.  I'm no atheist (something has to had prevented me from getting my ass kicked all these years) but the Catholic church bores me to tears. Besides, they won't let gays be great but protect child rapists.  So know - GOING IN! - that this post will have nothing to do with Jesus.


Okay, let's let the holy rollers exit stage left before we continue...


All right...*clears throat*...let's begin:


I think the last time I truly enjoyed Christmas, I was a virgin, Hammer had a hit record & it was cool to wear your pants backwards. Once I started working & having to purchase gifts for others, the season began its' ascent into fucklessness.  Now that I have children, it's pretty much the most dreadful time of the year.


Take my son for example: We got the Toys R Us Big Toy Book in the mail & he went apeshit.  FYI: that travesty should be fucking outlawed. It's the epitome of corporate greed & mass marketing to children.  (*pulls out feathered pen to write Obama, licks tip* Dear Mr. President, Big thick adbooks for toys? Stop that shit.  Yours In Christ, Kels). This child circled every single toy that wasn't pink. Really?  Then you have the biggest greedfest of all - Black Friday.  Being inside of a Wal-Mart at 12 midnight with an electronics aisle that looks like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan - no ma'am!


That's probably why I decided to postpone all of my shopping until tomorrow - the last Saturday before Yahweh's birthday.  Yawwup! *smacks gum*

I have faith all will go well.  I have a list, people!  Well...I have aisles designated for everyone on my list. I am going to put on my Beats by Gaga, listen to this joint on repeat & hope I don't have to elbow someone in the neck over a $25 Star Wars Light Saber:

*You know how Kanye inspires me to be reckless.  LOL! I'll let you know how it goes in Part 2 - stay tuned!

My Name Is Kellee & I'm An Alcoholic...

...okay, not really - like I really need another meeting to attend.

I just wanted to get your attention (you'll find that's a constant theme here). Welcome to my zany world of divahood, wifeliness, daycare antics & all-around work/life imbalance. Here's a few ground rules/warnings:


Uno. I curse. A lot. So don't be all, "ZOMG!" when the word cunt crosses your eyeballs here. That's my second favorite word, next to "clearance".

Dos. I'm a big, fat, stinking commie Liberal. I recycle religiously, believe that global warming will destroy this Earth before my children can retire, knows that Rush Limbaugh has got to be as close to the devil as we'll know in this life, thinks Barack Obama gets no respect & would have done the whole Occupy Wall Street thingamabob if it wasn't so damn cold outside. If you just gagged about any of that, I don't think we can be friends but we can debate gregariously.

Tres. This isn't another mommy blog. Yes, I will discuss the crazy little people in my life, but we'll cover lots of topics that make me cop the Thinker's Pose: politics, work, pop culture, relationships, the latte I purchased that made me not only late for work but caused an overdraft fee on my debit card, what my mom/husband/frenemy said to me that made me frown for 5.2 minutes until I had a glass of wine, etc.

Quatro. Please enjoy my musings or at least humor me. Comment profusely. People have been asking me to start a blog for years & I've finally mustered up the courage to do it. Don't make me shut this bitch down.

So, yep. There we go. I'll be back when something interesting pisses me off.